Over a very funny dinner my friends and I explored the concept of passion in a relationship – and what happens to it as the relationship progresses.

This came about because we had been laughing over yet another major male /female difference in thinking! When a man is recently out of a relationship, whether it’s a divorce or separation or the end of a long term relationship and he is again single and dating. He meets a woman whose company he enjoys. He spends progressively more time with her.

The physical attraction becomes unbearable. He feels he needs to say the her that he is not ready for a long term relationship; he tells her she is really special and he cares for her but it’s too early for him to get ‘involved’. They just need to be friends (‘who bonk’ is the unsaid message!).

He feels relieved that he has been so honest and up front with her. He thinks she understands the situation, how he feels and accepts that if she keeps going out with him it is just a friendship with a physical component! She obviously feels the same way and is happy to just be ‘bonking friends’ as well. With no attachments, or commitment. Ha, ha, ha!

What men don’t understand is that women have a different language from men. When he says ‘I’m not ready to get involved with another woman yet’, she hears ‘It’s too early for me to express my real feelings for you yet, but I am very attracted to you. I am wounded and hurting’. She thinks “I understand how he feels. I will be patient and supporting and loving and he will no doubt fall in love with me. I’m different and together we can ride this out.’

So, she continues with no pressure; great patience and understanding for his need to be alone (or so we think) or for time and ‘space’; they have a great sex life (how can he not secretly be in love with me?); they have loads of fun and laugh a lot. Months go by. She is in love with him. She believes he is in love with her – no matter what he says!

He is stunned when six months later, after they have been reasonably constant companions, dating regularly and bonking lots, she starts talking about commitment! And she asks questions like ‘where is this relationship going?’. He reiterates his statements – ‘but I said I wasn’t ready for a long term relationship. We agreed to just be friends.’ She goes ballistic. He wonders what’s wrong with her. He feels lucky he is not attached to this woman who is obviously didn’t listen. He goes off an finds another woman who just ‘enjoys his company’ and really understands that he is ‘not ready’!

NB. Note for men: Most women (note I said most) do not, repeat, do not bonk anyone unless they are emotionally involved with them. NNB. Even if they are not too emotionally attached initially, as soon as the two of you begin a physical relationship (this means bonking) she will be emotionally attached. Men need to know this. Men need to worry about this and remember it.

Most men (note I said most!) find it possible to have an ongoing, regular bonking partner without it necessarily being anything other than friendship. Sometimes not even that! They (not the men reading this article, of course) are perfectly capable of believing that because they were so up front and honest initially that the woman will be feeling the same way as they are – enjoying a regular bonking partner and part time friend, with no plans for attachment, relationship or (freak) marriage.

Don’t get me wrong fellas. I really applaud your honesty and admire you for recognising that you are indeed not ready for a full on committed relationship yet. but don’t expect a woman to hear the words! She will nod, look like she heard them; she may even repeat the words back to you exactly as you said them; she will say she understands and thinks you are wise to take this approach. Be warned.

She is often unaware that deep inside her she ‘knows’ he will change his mind as he gets to know her and spend time with her. Men need to know that when they make love to a woman, bonk, have sex, or develop a physical relationship – whatever words you prefer to use – she will become emotionally involved with you. (Breathe!).

Now you know this it may make you more alert to the dangers of a friendly fling after you have been open and honest and therefore respectful. If you want to keep this person as a friend for a long time and not hurt anyone, avoid sex with this person until you are sorted out. (Breathe!) This should dramatically speed up the sorting out process.

Ha ha just joking boys! About the speeding up process: not the basic concept!

Think about it anyway, because I know men don’t mean to be cruel but that’s what you will be accused of – leading her along, being heartless, selfish and a user – despite the fact you were as honest as you could be.

Vive la difference!

Exploring how relationships work and thrive is not only my work but it’s also as much a personal challenge for me as everyone else! Dwelling on the complexities of conflict, I recalled a conversation my partner and I had some time ago about our ‘discussions’.

He summed up what we were dealing with brilliantly when he said ‘think of it as a combination of my way, your way and our way’. Which meant that as we spent more time together, and learned more about each other, we would find a shared space that was ‘our’ way; that we would give up the need to always have it our own way.

Robert C Dodds, a writer, is quoted as saying “The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” I thought the two statements (from two writers by the way!) combined to form a wonderful strategy for people to learn to live a) as a couple and b) as a couple in harmony.

Thinking like this is a way to learn how to share, connect and become a team. It doesn’t mean we give up all our wants, needs and desires – it just means we learn to live with another independent and free thinking individual. It’s when two people learn how to progress from ‘I’ to ‘we’; from what ‘I want ‘to what ‘we need’.

Seeking the balance between my way, your way and our way can be an interesting journey (flash talk for huge rows and major arguments!), in which we can explore our ability to forgive, to compromise, to be gracious and to be ‘kind rather than right’ as my friend Wayne Dyer (author of Your erroneous Zones and many other great books) would say.

We all tend to think that what we have learned is right; whereas what we have learned is just that – what we have learned. It may not be the ‘truth’. And we all have our own truths in which we absolutely and firmly believe. So there are times when we have to think together and agree that our truths differ and then live with that.

All this can only come when a couple is committed to doing everything they can to stay together until one or the other doesn’t want to stay, because it takes time and effort and patience and tolerance and kindness and loving and caring and the ability to give in to find ‘our way’.

‘Our way’ is different for every couple and can become the basis for great intimacy. Someone gave me a clever interpretation of intimacy – ‘into me see’. Intimacy grows when we allow another to ‘into me see’; we share ourselves with them and they us; we share secrets to which no one else has access; we understand each others dreams, hopes, fears, joys and loves, amongst other things. There are no secrets between us, no barriers, no deception, no hidden agendas.

An essential ingredient for this way of thinking is to know your own way! Have a clear sense of what is acceptable for you and what is absolutely unacceptable. Have the desire to learn what your partner is feeling is their way. And both of you give up the concept that we HAVE to do it MY way, which is the ONLY way.

Even if you try one way then the other and then discuss a possible ‘our way’, only to find that YOUR way was the best after all, you will have fostered harmony in your relationship as you both think together, not independently seething at your partner’s incredible stupidity, stubbornness and inability to see the logic, common sense and absolutely obvious rightness of YOUR way.

Of course, there may arise one (or a billion) situations where you find yourself unable to compromise ; where what is proposed is absolutely unacceptable for you. This requires the BIG GUNS of conflict resolution! More than I have space to write.

But as a quick tip, If your commitment is to stay together happily as a couple, you might even find yourself begrudgingly respecting your partner’s position and admire the fact you are not with a whimp; and be pleased you are with someone who clearly knows what they want and who loves you despite the fact you are different.

So get off your high horse; maybe YOUR way isn’t the best way; God forbid, maybe your partner’s way is better!

Just remember, you’re a couple because you want a life partner; someone to share your life with, not a puppet who becomes a clone of you!

Recently, the spiritual realms intervened in my life again in a very obvious way!

I was travelling to Melbourne and on the way to the airport Ken (my husband) and I had a largish fight! Ok.. BIG fight!

Feeling miserable, I boarded the plane to find a friend of mine, and her brand new lover in the seat in front of me.

The contrast of a brand new relationship full of love and adoration and what I had just left was a great lesson! On top of that, I arrived in my hotel room and while unpacking, a paper that had been sitting in my bag for a couple of months suddenly ‘appeared’! I had forgotten it was in there and somehow it just seemed to be at the top of my bag!

It was an article from Psychology Today – here is the link.

Great title huh? Lust for the Long Haul! Anyway, it’s brilliant and I had shown it to Ken some months earlier and it was obviously not the right time!!

However when I read it again, I took the risk of sending it to him and this time it really struck home for both of us.

Essentially, the article talks about the myth of romantic marriage as many articles do.. but with a twist I had not seen before. One that resonated deeply with me.

It quotes the work of a psychologist David Schnarch, a renowned marriage and sex therapist who says “Sex is inherently based on intimacy. The problem is that most people have a very misguided idea of what intimacy means”.

I laughed as he points out the version of ‘true love’ as portrayed by Tom Cruise in the film Jerry McGuire as he looks at Renee Zellweger and says profoundly “you complete me”.

Now I bet most people either gagged at this line or secretly wished their partner looked at them and said it! LOL

Wisely, Schnarch points out that while it sounds good, and might be true for a short time, it really is not true.

It reminded me of what I discovered while writing my book on joy – that when we ‘fall’ in love with another, in those early days it’s so wonderful cos we actually fall in love with ourselves! It was demonstrated by my friends on the plane – they were at the ‘you complete me’ phase! And having a wonderful time.

They were both mature enough though to realize it was a golden phase they are in and, having both been married before and aware of the traps of expecting the other to ‘complete you’!

It ain’t ever going to happen! NO one else can complete you! Only you can do that. And that’s what marriage or partnership is about. YOU growing and developing and as Schnarch says – growing up and being an adult!

He says that when ‘sex ain’t what it used to be, it’s the beginning of the real purpose of marriage – forcing us to figure out who we are as individuals’.

My own experience has proven this to be true! LOL

We have been married for seven years and have both learned enormous amounts about ourselves – and not much of it easy! We have had to recognize qualities and habits and patterns of neediness, over caring, now feeling worthy of love, projecting our junk onto each other, blaming and basically accepting each other as different people!

With different ideas and beliefs and opinions. And we are learning to stop looking to each other for validation, but rather believing in ourselves and loving ourselves first, so then we can feely love another FOR WHO THEY ACTUALLY ARE and not who we would like them to be!!

John Gottman the great marriage researcher says that the paradox in marriage is that our partners change when we accept them for who they are.

Interestingly most people don’t know who they are!! We don’t delve deeply and sort out who we really are from what others have told us we are, or the defended selves we have created for protection or the artificial version we have created to prove we are worthy to others! Marriage or partnership gives us that chance and when sex is not what it used to be – it’s probably not that you don’t love each other, it’s more likely to be the beginning of that journey to finding yourself.

I remember on a speaking tour with John Gray he talked about the ‘trash can’ theory. He suggests as we go through life, we have an inner trash can into which we stuff all the hurts and pain and fears that happen to us in life. We work hard to keep the lid on that trash can so we never have to look inside and deal with that stuff.

When we are in love and feel safe, after some time, we unconsciously think – oh good, I can take the lid off the trash can and deal with some of this!

And whoosh! out comes all this garbage that we spew out over our partner! LOL Have you ever done this?! I have! We see all these ‘problems’ in them and blame them and we turn into hideous humans incapable of grasping that it is us – and out garbage – we are dealing with!!

Some other quotes I loved from Schnarch were;

Real intimacy requires a kind of openness, honestly and self respect most of us aren’t used to”

“Ultimately you get through the gridlock in marriage to a place of more honest self disclosure where the focus is on being known rather than being validated.” I wanted to add to that – it’s the trigger for self awareness and personal and spiritual growth and development.

In my marriage, the big AH HA moment came for me when I realized that despite my total lack of memory of my childhood, other than I was loved by my Mum, something had happened that was stuffed into my trash can that made me feel I was not worth loving!

I have no idea what it was – but I discovered that deep inside, it’s how I felt and it influenced a whole lot of behaviours with my long suffering husband! This showed up in behaviours like overcaring for others; taking responsibility for everyone and trying to fix everything for everyone! I gave away all my energy to others. It went hand in hand with an inability to feel – let alone take care of my own feelings or energy levels!

He, in turn, has come to realize his lack of self worth from whatever happened to him as a child; his need for validation from me which appeared as neediness, and looking to me to sooth him when he felt anxious. In fact, if you read the article, you will see that Schnarch’s example of ‘Jack and Tammy’ was pretty close to my situation with Ken!

We had reached the place Jack and Tammy had reached – where we needed to “take a step back and change how we individually dealt with our own emotions rather than leaning on – and resenting – each other.”

Many of us spend so much time blaming our partner for not meeting our needs.

Whose job is it really to meet your needs? YOURS!!!

It’s a hard lesson cos no one else can do it.

I have to learn to love myself before I can really love another. I have to learn how to take better care of myself and to work out who I really am. And to take responsibility for my life and how it is – and see that it’s all about ME – not what someone else is doing or not doing!

Ken has to learn the same things!

As the article says, we both have “to learn to take responsibility for our own emotions and learn to feel good about ourselves without requiring someone else’s praise and compliments.” And that ‘it’s not your partners job to sooth you – it’s yours!”

“The issue is no longer about what your partner does or does not do. You can accept that they like all people have their own limitations and failing, Instead the focus shifts to you and whether you are being a grown up – or not!”

So here is my gift to you – this wonderful article – and a challenge!

• Find out who you really are.
• Find out what your needs are and work out how YOU can meet them
• Find out who your partner REALLY is and respect them for that
• Accept there are differences. Honour them!
• Understand and take responsibility for your own emotions
• Find out how to sooth yourself and make yourself feel good.

See the spiritual gift your partner is giving you – the chance to learn to know and love yourself – at last!

Go and give them a big hug now and thank them for this opportunity.

It won’t be the easiest journey in your life – but it’s the most valuable.

Learning to love yourself and feeling worthy of being loved is the greatest gift you can give your children – and yourself – and your partner.

If you model this, children learn it.

I am off to give Ken a gratitude hug!

PS: Another friend of mine who is a relationship psychologist tells me that every man – EVERY man who comes into her practice is convinced that every other man on the planet is having more sex than he is!

When I said this at a conference recently one man called out what – twice a month? And his wife called out ‘ are you having an affair’!!!

Fellas – the others are probably not having more than you – but if you embark on the journey outlined in this article – YOU might be having more than them! LOL

Stress is a fact of life, but it doesn’t have to be a way of life!

How long have we talked about needing life balance and at that same time BEEN doing everything we can to go faster and do more!

At work and at home, people expect to do more with less and in less time. Families are LIVING in the ‘nightmare of the two career couple,’ where both partners are working, bringing up children and possibly looking after their aging parents. More single parents exist than ever before.

Change is constantly swirling around us – at work, at home and in society. In short, life is chaotic, lived at laser track speed and many of us are frightened by the decisions we have to make because we don’t know how things will work out when we finally get up the nerve to make them!

As life continues to speed up, the thing we all crave is more time. Most people complain, “I don’t have time to go to the bathroom let alone exercise, recharge my batteries, learn something new, or heaven forbid do something we enjoy!” We believe the myth that if only we had enough time to do all we have to do and still ‘have a life’ or ‘time for ourselves,’ we would find balance.

What is balance? The best example I can think of is my friend in Australia, Mela. She is happily married, has 2 wonderful daughters, works in a satisfying part-time job, plays tennis, sees friends a lot and laughs even more! What is the key to Mela’s balance? It is her attitude. She chooses to see life as exciting rather than overwhelming! Many nasty things have happened to Mela along the way but she bounces back with amazing resilience and sees it all as part of life’s rich pageant.

She does take time out for herself and makes the effort to do things she loves – like sculpt. She went back to school to study art AFTER she had children. Her husband is supportive, which helps, but even if he wasn’t Mela would still find a way to make sure she stayed connected with her friends and do what she loves to do. She also rarely lets stress get to her, which has taken a lot of practice. She has learned to take a break just to breathe, read a book during lunch or close her eyes in her office chair and listen to her favorite music.

A balanced lifestyle does not mean a rigid, evenly distributed form of differing activities. It means finding what gives us the energy and vitality to move through life purposefully and joyfully. Our lives change so much on a moment by moment basis that it is imperative to find a consistent factor that can keep us renewed. There is no simple formula for achieving balance, but I believe one very important factor is connection – to ourselves and to others.

Mela is connected to herself because she knows what she loves to do and what she needs to reenergize herself. She stays connected with her friends and family through brief notes on greeting cards, meeting with them for exercise or to go grocery shopping. She creates joy around her even in the sad moments and makes time to have fun in everything she does. She loves her career and the people she meets, but has found a way to adjust her job and her hours to do all she needs and wants to do while still contributing financially for her family. She makes sure there is time for her and the things she loves to do and the people she loves to be with. It has become a part of her lifestyle. Mela has CREATED something that many of us envy. She loves her life!

Life is really not about reality. It’s about our perception of what is happening around us and to us; what we say to ourselves about it; how we view it or feel about it. That’s the beauty of the human brain – we have choices. We have options in terms of how we behave, respond, think or change in the face of the stresses in our lives.

Most of us are lacking in energy and vitality, feeling overwhelmed, constantly exhausted, and having massive sense of humor failures! It’s called ‘Burn Out.’ The best way to avoid the big B.O., is to have a balanced lifestyle – exercise regularly, eat well, sleep at least seven hours a day, laugh a lot, relax, see friends, enjoy our work, have regular holidays, be grateful for what we have and have great relationships that support us.

But you already know that!

To really allow our body and minds to recover from twentieth century life and to find balance, we need to pay attention to all aspects of our lifestyle. And many times that means making long-term, difficult (and often dramatic) changes.

In a rather bizarre experiment, some researcher somewhere dropped a frog into a pan of boiling water. Of course, the frog immediately jumped out. The researcher then put a frog (I presume it was another frog!) into a saucepan of cool water and then gradually increased the temperature. The frog, adapting to the slow change occurring around it, allowed itself to be boiled to death. Now that’s not a happy story, but it definitely demonstrates that sudden change may have its advantages!

Most people are uncomfortable with change – yet sudden change may be the very thing that saves your life! If we are not making the changes we need to so that we can reconnect with our heart and others – life has a very effective way of forcing change on us.

If we can keep our head and our hearts connected while life swirls around us; if we can stay connected to ourselves, be aware of how we are feeling and deal effectively with those feelings then we can be more emotionally intelligent. This awareness will help us make the decisions to make the changes that will help to find the balance we crave. And that means staying sane in the midst of chaos!

For so many people who now HAVE to work AND raise children, assist with aging parents and deal with the other curved balls life throws at us, work can become another thing that drains our energy.

If you feel your work is meaningless, if there is little or no job satisfaction in what you do or if work disconnects you from yourself (maybe it is ‘soul destroying?’), then find some way to change things. Either change the way you view the job and create some meaning in it, or change the job.

I work closely with leading companies in the direct selling industry and noticed that the people who work with those companies seem to be amazingly joyful! I know that is a generalization, but these people seem to be so enthusiastic about what they do; they see themselves as growing a business that allows them to work AND see their children and take care of parents and all of the things in their lives that are important to them. They are full of energy and feel great about growing and developing the same potential for others. They seem to have a sense of control over their lives and destinies. This combination of having a purpose in life, having a sense of control, enjoying themselves and feeling connected gives them a great sense of balance.

They are creating the life they want. Like Mela. They have taken control over their destiny. And the peace that comes from that is the peace that comes from connecting with their hearts desires!

It would appear to me that many of these folks are very busy but they enjoy doing what they do so much that life balance doesn’t seem to be an issue any more! They feel they DO have balance. And fun! There is a sense of freedom that comes once they have built their business to a stage where they can do it as the sole source of income instead of working at another job outside of their home.

They don’t mind working hard because it is in their business and they see that through their hard work, they are becoming financially independent, enjoying what they do, having time for themselves and their family and helping others achieve what they want to do – in other words, finding real life balance.

Balance is all about connection! Be connected to your heart’s desires… and then make them happen!

It’s your choice. You CAN do it. Like Mela. Go for it!!

Simplify your food and simplify your life!

Sounds simple really! ….. And it is.

When you fuel your child’s body with imperfect foods you cannot expect perfect behaviour.

Since going additive free over three years ago, I have noticed a complete change in my children and also my husband and myself. There is a calmness that has fallen over our family. I get to enjoy my children so much more. They are not irritated; therefore they no longer are irritating me. Everybody is a winner.

When Fletcher was two he gave me a run for my money with tantrums and moody behaviour. Since removing harmful additives from his developing body he has become the joy that an innocent child is and should be. The moment Fletch has preservatives and chemicals that his little body cannot process and eliminate easily we find that moody and angry boy resurfaces.

My other Son, Kade was diagnosed with asthma at the young age of 2 ½ years old. This is actually how I came to learn more on additives as I was unaware of how many foods that are marketed toward children actually have food additives that are not recommended for children……go figure!

Here is an example of a typical canteen menu item found in most NSW “Health Canteens.

Sweet Chicken Tenders – 102, 124, 150d, 160c, 319, 407a and 508

• Tartrazine 102 causes skin rash, hyperactivity, migraine, behavioural problems, learning difficulties, asthma, and is a known carcinogen.
• Colour 124 is linked to hyperactivity and asthma, prohibited in foods for infants, banned in USA and Norway.
• 150d is a caramel colour and is linked to gastro intestinal problems, asthma, and hypersensitivity and prohibited in foods for infants.
• Antioxidant 319 is linked to cancer and birth defects, toxic by ingestion, nausea, vomiting, delirium, collapse & dermatitis. A dose of 5 grams is fatal. Avoid it! This additive is also prohibited in foods for infants.
• Thickener 407a is not recommended for children, suspect carcinogen.
• Gelling agent 508 may cause nausea, circulatory collapse, and liver toxicity. Not recommended for children.

As you can see, there is a number of harmful additives in this one product…….imagine what your child may be consuming on a daily basis when you add all of their food items together. It is a shame that the Australian regulatory organisation FSANZ still allows these additives within our children’s foods.

I wonder just how many parents are pulling their hair out and NOT enjoying this precious gift called motherhood. As parents, we all want the very best for our children, whether it be health, love, happiness and education. It is possible to provide and live a life free of dangerous food additives. If it is important enough, we mother will make it happen.

Friday November 4th 2011 will be the very first National Additive Free Day (NAFD). This is a day to make a difference and help spread some much needed awareness FREE and available to download on the website. Together we can make a difference…….because our children are worth it!

Would I go back to life before I knew about additives?

Never.

What I now know about foods within Australia and the difference I see in my children’s health and behaviour is proof enough. This is the best thing I have done…….besides having the joy of becoming their mother in the first place.

For more information on food additives, what you can do this NAFD and helpful resources please visit

www.additivefreepantry.com

Tanya Winfield

How do you feel when you walk through a pine forest or a beautiful garden?

Rested? Restored? Energised? Peaceful? Joyful?

This is the power of nature and the unseen healing energy that surrounds us when we are in its presence.

Did you know that you can create that same feeling at the office or at home?

For the last 23 years we have studying, researching and teaching the ancient healing modality of Aromatherapy, a modality that brings joy into our lives everyday!

Many cultures dating back centuries have understood the power of essential oils extracted from plants to heal and restore a balance to the body. Long before prescription drugs were our mainstay, people used plant oils to heal many illnesses and emotional disorders, in fact they were often the main treatment prescribed for stress, sleep disorders, anxiety, food cravings, depression and energy fluctuations.

Our sense of smell contributes enormously to the quality and enjoyment of our lives, our health and our well being. It is the mind-body interface. Smell influences our moods, our emotions and the choice of our mates. It is the main organ that contributes to our enjoyment of our sense of taste. Smells warn us of dangers, such as fire, poisonous fumes and spoiled food and gives us awareness of our place in the environment.

However it is a sense almost forgotten, the fact is that we take our sense of smell for granted. There are no galleries displaying smells like paintings. There are no concertos written for nose. And unlike colours which we have named down to every hue, we do not even have a vocabulary written for smell, it is almost impossible to explain the smell of something to someone who has not smelt it!

Yet this mysterious sense and its power to influence the body is about to be uncovered in the study of Aromachology.

Let’s look at how this ancient art works:

Whenever we inhale an aroma our body responds. Smell is a chemical sense, which means whenever you smell an aroma a chemical reaction takes place as the aroma travels up the olfactory system to the limbic part of the brain, the constituents of the aroma are identified and the body releases its own chemicals and endorphins in response. That is why you can smell Lavender and you feel more relaxed and calm, or energised and alert when you smell the stimulating oil of Rosemary.

Smells are also closely linked to our emotions, and this is because smells evoke memories. What is exciting is that we can anchor ourselves positively to smells to create the response in the body that we want. Through the gentle, yet powerful, stimulation of the limbic system, moods, emotions, and other effects on the mind and body can be manipulated through scent. Since the fastest way to change our emotions is through our sense of smell, this sense is our most primitive, yet most influential sense.

The other way Aromatherapy works is through the skin. Whenever we massage essentials oils onto the skin in a cold pressed carrier oil like Macadamia or Peach kernel, the essential oils are quickly picked up by the blood stream and transported around the body, supporting the immune, nervous, lymphatic and circulatory systems.

True aromatherapy involves the use of pure therapeutic essential oils, these are the only way to ensure that the desired result will occur. Synthetic oils do not contain the therapeutic properties of quality essential oils and can cause rashes, burns and other allergies or irritations. Our brain’s ‘feel good’ chemicals (serotonin and endorphins) are released only through certain aromatic scents.

So how do we use these potent little oils in our lives?

Aromatherapy is one of the most versatile natural therapies – from vaporising and bathing to massaging and spritzing, or simply inhaling from the bottle, these oils work their magic through their beautiful, subtle yet profoundly powerful aromas.

It is also magical how we can effect those around us. Anyone who is ‘breathing’ will feel their effects! Simply by placing a few drops into a vaporiser at the dinner table or before everyone rises in the morning, or by adding a few drops into a beautiful candle lit bath, or even 1 drop onto a tissue and into the air vent of the car are all easy ways to help people feel more relaxed, calm, energised, romantic, happy or joyful. And the best part? It all happens within seconds.

Aromatherapy is more than just breathing in certain smells and scents. It is about achieving the perfect balance and harmony in ones life and it is the combination of certain scents, or oils, which help achieve this. Aromatherapy is about bringing the connection of nature back into your life and in turn that connection within.

And to us, when that is achieved, there is nothing more joyful than that!

Kim Morrison & Fleur Whelligan

likechocolateforwomen.com

Are you a walking joy spot?

Are you someone who spreads joy everywhere you go?

Are you someone who has found your inner joy and can share?! I call the intersection of 4 sciences, Neuroscience, Epigenetics, Emotional Intelligence and Positive Psychology, the joy spot! It’s the place from which amazing life and leadership emerge.

How do you find your own joy spot and then become a walking one?!

This is a 12 part series where each newsletter we explore one of the 12 pillars of JOY – and work you through the steps that help you uncover the JOY that is waiting to burst forth from inside you!

This first one is the foundation stone for JOY – Gratitude.

You can’t find your joy without gratitude!

So don those gratitude glasses today and start to look at everything through these glasses.

• Go over your life history and find the good things that came out of the hardship of the past.
• What lessons did you learn from your parents or siblings or past partners that has made you stronger, more resilient, more compassionate, loving, forgiving or built your character!
• Look at your current situation and find things for which to be grateful.
• Make yourself a gratitude journal and each night before you go to bed, write down at least 5 things for which you are grateful – either that happened that day or just things in your life for which you are grateful – like your health; ability to walk and breathe; a roof over your head; the capacity to speak and think or laugh – there are gazillions of reasons for gratitude.

Did you know that writing in a gratitude journal has been shown to markedly reduce depression?

Ask everyone at the dinner table every night from now on “what are you grateful for today?” Sometimes have a competition to see who is MORE grateful! For a bit of fun!

You cannot teach children gratitude by forcing them to say ‘thank you ‘under sufferance! Teach them by modeling it yourself.

Find things are work for which to be grateful – even if it is just you have a job! Millions would take your job in a heartbeat!

Say to your self constantly in the face of a challenge: “Everyday is a good day. Everything is a good thing. Every place is a good place.” My Qi Gong teacher taught me that and it has calmed many a potential argument!!

Tell the people in your life who mean something to you – or your colleagues, how grateful you are to them and give them specific examples of why you feel gratitude.

Do these things and you will be on your path to being a walking joy spot!

Gratitude is the place to start.

Begin today. Joyfully!

Zooties!

Robert Dilts is a well known American expert in neurolinguistics and writes frequently for a magazine called Anchor Point. In a past edition he was discussing the connection between beliefs and health or wellness. He introduced the concept of ‘thought viruses’. What a fantastic way of describing one of the most powerful mechanisms of illness or recovery.

The link between body and mind is now proven beyond dispute.

We can’t always exactly define the way the two are connected but, that the body influences the mind and visa versa should be considered in the assessment of every ailment affecting us. We have a bodymind – one integrated unit. And we can sometimes fool our minds but we can’t fool our bodies.

Our bodies store stress and pain and frustration, emotion and everything else!

We can continue for a finite time abusing our bodies or stretching ourselves to the mental limit or stressing ourselves to the maximum and then we start being given warning signals. If we ignore these warning signals; if we continue to push ourselves beyond a reasonable limit; if we never slow down long enough to listen to our bodies then something gives. We ‘suddenly’ find ourselves with a bad back or a bad neck or pneumonia or malnutrition or migraines or stomach upsets or chronic fatigue syndrome or rheumatoid arthritis or heart disease etc.

When Michael Crighton, the author of Jurassic Park and who originally trained as a doctor, was a resident he conducted a survey of heart attack patients. Without exception when he asked these people “WHY did you have this heart attack?” they would give answers based in emotion. Like ‘my work situation was unsatisfactory – I was living with uncertainty’ or ‘ my wife left me’ or ‘our marriage is going through a difficult time’ and so on. They all related the illness with a mental or emotional trigger. Not to ‘I had been exercising too hard’ or ‘I carried too many boulders in the garden’.

So with this bodymind, our non physical thoughts and beliefs and our physical bodies are interchangeable. Our thoughts can cause disease. Our body can affect our moods (Try feeling excited and enthusiastic when you are slumped, your head dropped and eyes looking at the ground!).

Lifestyle is still critical but what determines our lifestyles if it isn’t our beliefs about how we should live or how we need to live.

Beliefs are deep ingrained thoughts about the way we feel the world does or should work. And they influence everything we see, do, hear, and say. It’s as though anything that comes into or out of ourselves is filtered through our belief systems which act as rose coloured glasses or black tinted lenses or purple glass or whichever way our beliefs colour that part of our world.

For example, ‘pointing the bone’ in cultures where the belief is that if the witchdoctor points a bone at you, death follows, ensures the death of a perfectly healthy individual because they believe that they are cursed and that death is inevitable. A belief like that can kill a fully functioning human being in days.

What happens when an expert tells a patient they have only months to live? Of course the expert is offering what they believe to be the situation based on their knowledge, experience and assessment of the person and the condition. But how many times have you heard of people who chose not to believe that ‘pointed bone’? Those who decide ‘no, I will live and I’ll try all sorts of ways to make me well enough to fight this condition’; someone who chooses to believe they will beat cancer. They may still make a will and clearly organise their affairs but that’s just sensible – it doesn’t mean they expect to die. Even if they still die I bet they lived longer and felt more in control if they believed they could fight it.

Search your beliefs about health and wellness

• Do you believe it’s possible to be fit, flexible and strong as a more mature individual?
• Should we keep our minds active and continue learning or does being old mean we mentally and physically shrivel up and stiffen up and die?
• Do you believe happiness happens to other people, not you?
• Or that you are a depressed person – that’s just your type?
• Or that your father and grandfather died of heart disease so you will? Or that bowel cancer is claiming everyone and you’re next?
• Why not believe that you are inherently a very well person?

Sit quietly and ask yourself what you need to be well – more balance; more rest; more relaxation; more stimulation; more fun and laughter; more exercise? And whatever you need, find a way of incorporating it into your life.

Believe exercise is so important that you make time for it; believe rest and meditation are too critical to miss for extended periods – if you really believe this you will be motivated to do it.

If you have a problem or a family history of hereditary conditions then make sure you have regular checkups. Believing you are well does not mean ignoring minor or blatantly obvious signs that something is wrong – that’s just being an ostrich! Seek help when you need it – your inner oracle is great most of the time but outside experts are a valuable resource.

Viruses ‘steal’ from healthy parts to create a life of their own or take over the life of a healthy cell. In the same way a body or computer virus works, a thought virus insidiously slides it’s way into and affects or colours all our thinking. They are dangerous and quite frequently life threatening.

Make sure that once a month you ‘de bug’ yourself – run a ‘virus checker ‘ through your bodymind and clean it up. Delete, destroy and trash any thought viruses that are allowing your life force to weaken or ebb away.

Beware of spreading thought viruses yourself. And beware of others who are carriers of these nasty little bugs! They are more dangerous than you realise.

What do you do to eliminate the thought viruses?

Did you know that all disease begins with stress?

If you are stressed on a permanent basis your immune system is attacked and weakened and then you are susceptible to all forms of disease; and your performance drops.

We are beginning a series on stress busting to help boost your performance, productivity AND give you more energy and vitality!

Do you remember what flight attendants tell you about oxygen in the safety briefing? If the oxygen masks fall from the ceiling and you have a child, put it on yourself first. Why? Because if you are dead you are not much use to the child!

Yet most of us in small business consistently push ourselves beyond our physical, mental and emotional limits and wonder why we are tired all the time!

It’s time to stop, put on the oxygen mask (metaphorically) and suck in great gobs of oxygen!

Seriously, when we are stressed we stop breathing! Our breathing is shallow and in the upper part of our lungs. This means there is less oxygen for our brains and we can’t think clearly or properly.

The first simple stress buster tip is to stop every 30 minutes and take two deep breaths filling up the bottom of your lungs. Set a timer!

If you stood up and took 2 breaths (at least) and did a tiny bit of exercise, you would be in awe of how much energy and vitality you would have for you and your family at the end of the day!

It’s simple but oh so effective! Try these stress busters before you judge them. Sometimes the simple things work the best!

Write RTB all over your office – remember to breathe! Use your “oxygen mask”! Reduce your stress! Improve your performance!

Let us know how you go!

A while ago I was lucky enough to meet and chat with Stuart Moore – an author and expert on how to make money work for you. Discussing people’s pasts, he commented on the value of having someone in your life who ‘does something for you without keeping a score’.

A person who is happy to help you; guide you or set you on the right path and expects nothing in return. They don’t think in terms of ‘reward’, or expecting you to reciprocate. Their joy is in seeing you prosper, grow or develop.

In particualr we were discussing the impact a person like this can have on a child who has no parents – or children whose parents are absent or abusive – or anyone with a low or damaged self esteem. One person who sees potential in another and gives love (when love hasn’t been given for a long time) in the form of ‘something without keeping a score’ can change a life direction. That gesture or gift can make a person realize they are valuable or capable or worthwhile.

Thinking about this idea, I realised what a wonderful gift it would be for anyone, let alone a loved one.And often that’s all a human needs to charge ahead and be successful in life – where success is defined as living a balanced, happy and useful life.

Once a person has done something for us and never expected anything in return, we are more likely to do the same for another. It’s as though a seed is planted the first time we experience this gift and although we may not nourise and fertilise and water the seed, it grows anyway – just more slowly.

Can you think of anyone in your life who has helped you this way? Our true friends do this all the time, as do many parents. Mentors are great for giving without expecting a return – their reward is watching you blossom.

The more I thought about this the more I realised that this is one of the components of unconditional love – doing things for others and never even contemplating seeing a reward or response or payback.

Is it one of your common behaviours? It’s a fantastic way to create, enhance or develop relationships. And it’s very rewarding both psychologically and physically for us – it will boost our immune systems because we are helping someone else.

If it isn’t a routine part of your day, why not write “do something for someone today without keeping a score’ on a piece of paper and stick it on a wall where you see it every day to make that behavior one you integrate into your daily life.